By Adrian Lees

Leaks have brought down governments, and when associated with insider trading, they’ve lead to jail sentences. But leaks can be much, much more serious. When you see the first signs of water damage coming from your upstairs neighbour, it makes a lot of sense to pack your bags and flee: believe me it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, even if it means abandoning all claim to your apartment. Just think of the trauma counselling that you’ll avoid.

The French are renowned for their cuisine and couture skills. Ask any Parisian to name three perfumers and his eyes mist over as he reels off dozens of names. Ask him or her to name just one reliable plumber and he starts crying and telling stories about rip-off and disasters. (And yet, the French hated the prospect of an unlimited and legal supply of competent Polish plumbers enough to vote against the last E.U. constitution.)

When dark rings on your newly painted living room ceiling start to drip, decisive action is called for. Place a bucket strategically and go and stay with friends in the country for a few days. Or, alternatively, you can knock on the offending neighbour’s door. In the unlikely event they answer (though you can hear them walking and changing the TV channels as you patiently stand outside their front door), denial is par for the course. If you force your way in, you will be shown a very dry (bidet included) bathroom, with ghastly but expensive tiles and absolutely no evidence of a leak. Voilà.

Clearly you are mistaken, and with a little shake of their heads and an understanding smile they will imply that, as a foreigner, you simply don’t understand such things. When you contact the syndic, the company that runs the building, they will be equally dismissive, reassuring you that such problems have plagued the building for decades and not much can be done.

Several months will roll by. Your insurance company will call for a quote for the damage caused—paying is the easy bit; getting the quote is the fun part. Finding the origin of the leak is on a par with solving the Middle East crisis. Plumbers suggest a variety of expensive possibilities. When it turns out that the leak is caused by a missing seal in the neighbour’s bath outflow pipe you will be treated to his Gallic shrug—after all who could possibly have known that such a tiny leetle thing under the bath could have worn out?

Perhaps it’s too cynical to note that the only time a leak is of no consequence is when you are about to buy an apartment—you point at the huge discolouration on the ceiling and will be told by the realtor not to worry about that, it was fixed ages ago and just requires a quick coat of paint…